A message to 6 people, a message I can't say:
1) I have always wanted to be accepted by you. I have always wanted you to be my friend. It's hard to know someone so well, and yet feel so distant from them. I wish we had made an effort before now. I love you, you are one of my favorite people of all time. I miss you, and to some extent I really do need you in my life.
2)You are amazing, I admire you so much. Since the day you were born there was always something different and extraordinary about you. I have always been grateful for our friendship, and I don't want to lose that. I want to offer what you need from me. Sometimes this role is harder than it seems. Just don't stop loving me the way we have always loved eachother. You're on my list of favorite people and always will be.
3)There are so many things I want to say to you. In so many ways I owe you everything, but its time I made myself happy. I'm sorry things didn't work out the way you wanted for yourself in your life, but doesn't that show you? Shouldn't I be allowed to make my own decisions now. I value your opinion and your acceptance more than you will ever know, but when the fundamentals of our beliefs differ, it can be hard to look to you without receiving partial advice. You have always been there for me, even recently. Maybe I don't take responsibility for what I have to overcome enough, but maybe you don't either? I need unconditional love, not judgement. I need you to accept me now for who I am and stop hoping for something different. You held us all together over the years. Hold yourself together now. I love you and I see the unhappiness in your face. When does that become your responsibility? I wish something I could do would fill that void, but it won't, I learned that long ago.
4) You have always been there to take care of us, you have always come through when it came down to the wire. You work too hard, and sleep too little. I want to make things better for you. One day I will. I wish you were more present in everything. I wish you didn't lose your voice like I do sometimes. It can be hard to speak what you need to, I know, but you can only really be happy when you are able to express what is at the heart of it all. Don't bottle it all up. I know too well how you feel. We are so alike in so many ways, and as I grow up, I see in you things that I know I have to change before I end up stuck. Don't stay stuck. You have plenty of time to make things better for yourself. Don't waste it. I love you.
5) It feels like a lifetime I have known you. I still can't believe that a forced friendship such as ours has become this. You are the sister I always wanted, and the pain in my ass I never knew I could miss. I wish things had been different sometimes, but only because maybe then it would have been easier for you the last year. I know you are confused, and I know it's hard to figure out what you really want from life. I know because I've been there, and I never wanted that for you. I'm glad you are growing up and making your own decisions. Just be careful you don't make a decision that changes your whole life permanently until you know what you want. I miss you a lot actually. I got used to what we had. I guess we both thought things would be different when we were both here, but that's the surprising thing about life, you never know. Just don't forget me, I'm always here if you need me. I love you, you crazy ass bitch.
6)You are everything I needed and everything I searched for for so long. I never knew I would meet someone at 20 that changed my world so much. The past year has been so amazing. You have helped me grow and learn so much. You accepted who I was and loved that when it felt like no one else did. You never hesitate to be honest with me. Your passion for what you love, and your ability to be so driven is something I truly admire. You have pushed me to realize my dreams. You have always believed in me when I didn't, and always supported me. You have become my best friend, and I could never invent someone better. Since we met I have been in awe of how I could have managed to get such a gorgeous, smart, wonderfully funny man to fall in love with me. I love being able to be a part of your life. You make every minute meaningful and fun. I have never laughed or had so much fun with someone in my whole life. I love you more than I am able to express, and I want to make you happier than you could ever be. Baby-love, we will have a wonderful life together.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
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