Growing up in a Christian household, not a lot is left up to your sole decision making. Most decisions are heavily discussed, whether it be with God via prayer, or you elders (parents, pastors, etc). Each decision is pulled apart limb for limb and autopsied at length to see what the possible cause of death might be. Nothing is for certain in a world with God. Every move and side-step could throw you into the path of his anger. Confusing as it was growing up, it did instill in me a force of nature that cannot be reckoned with. I have been determined from a very young age to make my own decisions no matter what everyone else thought or tried to force me to think. Granted I have fallen into submission at times, but generally I was my sole reason for decision making, even when my logic was flawed.
After years of following doctrines and rules while still endeavoring to maintain my individual thoughts and morals, I was forced into a choice I was not ready to make. Actions and situations on my part put me in arduous meetings with officials at my church, analyzing every wrong step, every word, deed, and thought that brought me to my "sin". Not only was I forced to humiliate myself by relaying personal and very heartbreaking details of a relationship that ruled and changed my identity and life, and not for the better by any means, for close to 2 years, but I was degraded to then explain why I thought I had LET it all happen. Finally after hours of interrogation and even more hours of waiting for deliberations to end, I was informed that I would no longer be recognized as a part of the church. It's frustrating enough as it is to be controlled and manipulated for 2 years, but to then have an identity I had clung to for my entire life ripped from me by someone else, it was unbelievable. I did what I could to appeal the decision, but even then, with begging and pleading and many tears, nothing changed.
I struggled for quite a while with the implications of everything that would change in the week following the decision. With a tinge of bitterness, I told my closest friends that in a week they would not be able to speak to me, or be a part of my life until I was deemed acceptable enough to be part of the church again. We spent the last week we had trying to enjoy our time together, but there was no handbook for how to end a friendship in that way. When the night came, we all tried to pretend like we would be ok, but it was in the air from the moment I entered the building. By a strange turn of events, a close friend I had grown up with was also being announced as no longer part of the church that night. We tried to form some kind of solidarity in our situations, but it was impossible to. When the announcement was made, I tried to hold it together, but after a few minutes of crying uncontrollably, I walked out of the church I had grown up in, the place I had come to see as a safe haven for love and acceptance in my life, and was never able to enter the doors again without a sense of betrayal.
The months following were intensely isolated for me. Even living with my parents and my brothers, our relationship as a family had to change based on the church doctrines. At first I kept to myself, spending most of my time working. I kept in touch with very few people by very limited means, including an ex-boyfriend who declared his love for me right before I was ex-communicated and my best friend. When work slowed down, and I was in need of companionship, I reconnected with old friends from school, but even then the friends I had left behind haunted me. After some time I would be presented with the opportunity to be accepted in the church again granted I had proven myself repentant of the sins I had committed, and those elders that had deemed me unrepentant, saw acceptable change in my heart. At first, the opportunity to be a part of the church again was the only thing making the days pass, and the loneliness bearable, but then things changed. I started to question my motives for wanting to return; Was I craving the companionship of God or the companionship of my peers? Did I miss my spiritual life, or the life I used to have? Was I religious or just lonely? Was God real to me, or an excuse to have a purpose in life? Was it my own happiness I was seeking or the happiness of my family and friends?
The answers to these questions and the continued tensions between my parents and I because of my indecision led to my determined decision to leave home. I needed to be on my own to really know what I wanted from life, away from the pressure and influence of my family. After months of debating, fighting and creating relationships with new people, I left home. As I packed my things into boxes and loaded them onto a truck, I knew I was making the right decision. I felt free of the weight of everyone else's unhappiness and able to really breathe on my own. It was then that I realized, I had always been who I wanted to be. It was the doctrines and morals surrounding me that forced me to bend who I was to be accepted. Once all of that was lifted, I was able to really embrace the identity I had been hiding for my entire life. After years of questioning my intentions, thoughts, and decisions I finally had grown up enough to know who I was and be courageous enough to accept it despite the consequences. It was then that things became clear, and God was no longer real.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Saturday, January 5, 2008
And it begins...
Oh my...
Well it's happened. I've lived with a geek so long I have somehow become a geek myself. I shouldn't complain, having a geek around the house has its advantages. There's nothing that man can't fix, or rig, or create to amuse me.
Over the past 8 months of living with the geek, I have slowly been exposed to the world that is the online blog and social network. John is always using some new account on some new site, and I am always wondering what the big fuss is all about. The last few months have been insanely busy for me with added responsibility at a growing company, an engagement, and the transition into true adulthood. So, while I was fascinated by the idea of the online world, I could never quite make the time to really dive into it head first, no hesitation. Now, at a very convenient and ironic time, it is the new year and all, I find myself settled into life with free time to explore. So yesterday, on a whim, I decided to create a Viddler account. The concept is one that I find very interesting; a social network of sorts, but with video blogging. That's only my very limited understanding based on 1 day of playing with my account. Needless to say, I am hooked! The Viddler account then prompted me to create a Twitter account. I not only love the word twitter, I love the noise it makes on John's Twitterific application, that little tweet..oh how I love thee. The idea is a great one, if only I had family that spoke to me, but that's a blog for another day. Even with my lack of close family members, Twitter offers a convenient way for me to keep updated with what my friends are up to. So, after joining in on the Viddler and Twitter fun I decided to start a blog, for no other reason than the most important reason, I am a writer.
Yes, it's true. Years and years ago I discovered my love for writing through my love of books. I collect books like they are gold nuggets. If I pass a used book store I HAVE to go in, and likely, I will leave with at least 2 books, more probably 10 books. One of my first large purchases after John and I moved into our house was a bookshelf. A VERY large one, that is now full. I can proudly say that there are only 5 books on my bookshelf I have not read, and that is only because I bought 10 books 2 months ago and have only made it through 5 of them so far. Reading opened up a whole new world of language and story telling for me. By the age of ten I had surpassed Animorphs and The Babysitter's Club, and moved on to Jane Austen, J.D. Salinger, Aldous Huxley, and anything else I could get my hands on. I began writing seriously at the age of 12, pouring out my thoughts about life and daily occurrences into a book I have yet to finish.
That's when it all began, and this is where I am now. After a lot of thought, I realized I was neglecting the one medium of the internet that should have been most important to me. Blogging is just writing on the internet. It seems so obvious, but to someone like me who is forced to think practically and logically all day every day, the most obvious and logical things do sometimes slip through the cracks.
So here I am for all to read, and now that I've sufficiently explained the path that led me here, let me tell you a little about myself. My name is Gabriella Giarrano. I am 20 years old, but not for long, I hit the big 2-1 in a few weeks. I live in a small town right outside of downtown Atlanta, GA called Kirkwood with my fiancee and partner in all that is evil and interesting, John Reynolds. We both have day jobs at a growing company called Breadwinner, (www.getloafed.com) where we make and sell sweet homemade seasonal breads. John and I were working in the actual bakery up until recently. Now he is at the bakery and I am running the shipping and production at our first retail store in Sandy Springs GA. By night, John is an aspiring designer and musician and on the bleeding edge with anything technology related. I am, as I said, an aspiring writer and an experimental artist and sometimes seamstress. John and I have been engaged since 6 weeks after we met, and contrary to what everyone thought, we are still engaged. I am an avid reader of ANYTHING. Hand me a book and I will read it, and most likely hand you a 5 page review of it when I'm done.
Well now that you know a little about me, let me tell you, my style of writing is different than most of what traditional writers would want it to be, but I like it that way. I will write about anything and everything so long as I find it intriguing. I would write about a girl named Jane if it struck my fancy. So keep up with me, and we'll talk about Jane.
Well it's happened. I've lived with a geek so long I have somehow become a geek myself. I shouldn't complain, having a geek around the house has its advantages. There's nothing that man can't fix, or rig, or create to amuse me.
Over the past 8 months of living with the geek, I have slowly been exposed to the world that is the online blog and social network. John is always using some new account on some new site, and I am always wondering what the big fuss is all about. The last few months have been insanely busy for me with added responsibility at a growing company, an engagement, and the transition into true adulthood. So, while I was fascinated by the idea of the online world, I could never quite make the time to really dive into it head first, no hesitation. Now, at a very convenient and ironic time, it is the new year and all, I find myself settled into life with free time to explore. So yesterday, on a whim, I decided to create a Viddler account. The concept is one that I find very interesting; a social network of sorts, but with video blogging. That's only my very limited understanding based on 1 day of playing with my account. Needless to say, I am hooked! The Viddler account then prompted me to create a Twitter account. I not only love the word twitter, I love the noise it makes on John's Twitterific application, that little tweet..oh how I love thee. The idea is a great one, if only I had family that spoke to me, but that's a blog for another day. Even with my lack of close family members, Twitter offers a convenient way for me to keep updated with what my friends are up to. So, after joining in on the Viddler and Twitter fun I decided to start a blog, for no other reason than the most important reason, I am a writer.
Yes, it's true. Years and years ago I discovered my love for writing through my love of books. I collect books like they are gold nuggets. If I pass a used book store I HAVE to go in, and likely, I will leave with at least 2 books, more probably 10 books. One of my first large purchases after John and I moved into our house was a bookshelf. A VERY large one, that is now full. I can proudly say that there are only 5 books on my bookshelf I have not read, and that is only because I bought 10 books 2 months ago and have only made it through 5 of them so far. Reading opened up a whole new world of language and story telling for me. By the age of ten I had surpassed Animorphs and The Babysitter's Club, and moved on to Jane Austen, J.D. Salinger, Aldous Huxley, and anything else I could get my hands on. I began writing seriously at the age of 12, pouring out my thoughts about life and daily occurrences into a book I have yet to finish.
That's when it all began, and this is where I am now. After a lot of thought, I realized I was neglecting the one medium of the internet that should have been most important to me. Blogging is just writing on the internet. It seems so obvious, but to someone like me who is forced to think practically and logically all day every day, the most obvious and logical things do sometimes slip through the cracks.
So here I am for all to read, and now that I've sufficiently explained the path that led me here, let me tell you a little about myself. My name is Gabriella Giarrano. I am 20 years old, but not for long, I hit the big 2-1 in a few weeks. I live in a small town right outside of downtown Atlanta, GA called Kirkwood with my fiancee and partner in all that is evil and interesting, John Reynolds. We both have day jobs at a growing company called Breadwinner, (www.getloafed.com) where we make and sell sweet homemade seasonal breads. John and I were working in the actual bakery up until recently. Now he is at the bakery and I am running the shipping and production at our first retail store in Sandy Springs GA. By night, John is an aspiring designer and musician and on the bleeding edge with anything technology related. I am, as I said, an aspiring writer and an experimental artist and sometimes seamstress. John and I have been engaged since 6 weeks after we met, and contrary to what everyone thought, we are still engaged. I am an avid reader of ANYTHING. Hand me a book and I will read it, and most likely hand you a 5 page review of it when I'm done.
Well now that you know a little about me, let me tell you, my style of writing is different than most of what traditional writers would want it to be, but I like it that way. I will write about anything and everything so long as I find it intriguing. I would write about a girl named Jane if it struck my fancy. So keep up with me, and we'll talk about Jane.
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