What happens when you can finally say it out loud?

Growing up in a Christian household, not a lot is left up to your sole decision making. Most decisions are heavily discussed, whether it be with God via prayer, or you elders (parents, pastors, etc). Each decision is pulled apart limb for limb and autopsied at length to see what the possible cause of death might be. Nothing is for certain in a world with God. Every move and side-step could throw you into the path of his anger. Confusing as it was growing up, it did instill in me a force of nature that cannot be reckoned with. I have been determined from a very young age to make my own decisions no matter what everyone else thought or tried to force me to think. Granted I have fallen into submission at times, but generally I was my sole reason for decision making, even when my logic was flawed.

After years of following doctrines and rules while still endeavoring to maintain my individual thoughts and morals, I was forced into a choice I was not ready to make. Actions and situations on my part put me in arduous meetings with officials at my church, analyzing every wrong step, every word, deed, and thought that brought me to my "sin". Not only was I forced to humiliate myself by relaying personal and very heartbreaking details of a relationship that ruled and changed my identity and life, and not for the better by any means, for close to 2 years, but I was degraded to then explain why I thought I had LET it all happen. Finally after hours of interrogation and even more hours of waiting for deliberations to end, I was informed that I would no longer be recognized as a part of the church. It's frustrating enough as it is to be controlled and manipulated for 2 years, but to then have an identity I had clung to for my entire life ripped from me by someone else, it was unbelievable. I did what I could to appeal the decision, but even then, with begging and pleading and many tears, nothing changed.

I struggled for quite a while with the implications of everything that would change in the week following the decision. With a tinge of bitterness, I told my closest friends that in a week they would not be able to speak to me, or be a part of my life until I was deemed acceptable enough to be part of the church again. We spent the last week we had trying to enjoy our time together, but there was no handbook for how to end a friendship in that way. When the night came, we all tried to pretend like we would be ok, but it was in the air from the moment I entered the building. By a strange turn of events, a close friend I had grown up with was also being announced as no longer part of the church that night. We tried to form some kind of solidarity in our situations, but it was impossible to. When the announcement was made, I tried to hold it together, but after a few minutes of crying uncontrollably, I walked out of the church I had grown up in, the place I had come to see as a safe haven for love and acceptance in my life, and was never able to enter the doors again without a sense of betrayal.

The months following were intensely isolated for me. Even living with my parents and my brothers, our relationship as a family had to change based on the church doctrines. At first I kept to myself, spending most of my time working. I kept in touch with very few people by very limited means, including an ex-boyfriend who declared his love for me right before I was ex-communicated and my best friend. When work slowed down, and I was in need of companionship, I reconnected with old friends from school, but even then the friends I had left behind haunted me. After some time I would be presented with the opportunity to be accepted in the church again granted I had proven myself repentant of the sins I had committed, and those elders that had deemed me unrepentant, saw acceptable change in my heart. At first, the opportunity to be a part of the church again was the only thing making the days pass, and the loneliness bearable, but then things changed. I started to question my motives for wanting to return; Was I craving the companionship of God or the companionship of my peers? Did I miss my spiritual life, or the life I used to have? Was I religious or just lonely? Was God real to me, or an excuse to have a purpose in life? Was it my own happiness I was seeking or the happiness of my family and friends?

The answers to these questions and the continued tensions between my parents and I because of my indecision led to my determined decision to leave home. I needed to be on my own to really know what I wanted from life, away from the pressure and influence of my family. After months of debating, fighting and creating relationships with new people, I left home. As I packed my things into boxes and loaded them onto a truck, I knew I was making the right decision. I felt free of the weight of everyone else's unhappiness and able to really breathe on my own. It was then that I realized, I had always been who I wanted to be. It was the doctrines and morals surrounding me that forced me to bend who I was to be accepted. Once all of that was lifted, I was able to really embrace the identity I had been hiding for my entire life. After years of questioning my intentions, thoughts, and decisions I finally had grown up enough to know who I was and be courageous enough to accept it despite the consequences. It was then that things became clear, and God was no longer real.